Friday, September 19, 2008

Radio Silence

I know I've been awfully quiet lately. There's a good reason for that, aside from school having started up four weks ago.

I am having a hard time facing everything that is going on. Mom is declining rapidly - hospice says probably less than 2 weeks, give or take a few days. You could really hear the rattle in her breathing yesterday and the day before, she's losing her color and her eyes are sinking. Her kidneys and liver are failing fast - the ammonia is starting to build up in her system and her brain is starting to "pickle", for lack of a better term. Mom is much...angrier, I guess, would be the word although it's not quite right. She repeatedly tells me my father is being an ass, which is unusual for her to do even though he is. I mean, he's not really...he's just hovering and it drives her batty. She tried to dial the phone the other night and couldn't make it work, so dad offered to do it for her (more likely said "Just give it to me and I'll do it") and she got royally pissed at him. REALLY not like her. I mean, she has a temper but she does really well at controlling it and something like that would never have set it off.

I'm panicking. I've lost my mother. I used to be able to talk to her for 45 minutes and now I can't keep her attention for 45 seconds. She sleeps 18 hours a day at least. She doesn't even LOOK like my mother anymore. I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm adrift.

I am going down again this weekend. My uncle came into town on Tuesday to go see my mother before she dies. My sister is also apparently coming down this weekend and bringing my brother-in-law with her. My sister's brother-in-law (not mine...half sister's half sister...what a tree we have!) came to visit yesterday. Aaron called in to wok today with a "family emergency" and is going with me - I just can't handle this on my own. I just can't. I don't want to go this weekend - I haven't wanted to go all week - and if mom is going to die on me I am NOT doing this by myself. I asked him, he didn't even think about it - just asked a friend if he would dogsit for us. Bless Andrew's heart, HE didn't even think about it either, just said he would. I love my friends...

At any rate, I verified to mom that we were all coming and she said "I'll try to die this weekend so it really will be a family emergency." I...she....we....

I can't type any more. I'm in class and am ready to burst into tears. I somehow doubt my professor would appreciate that. I'll try to update when I get back. At the very least, if the worst happens, I'll email Mel and maybe she can put it on the LFCA.

4 comments:

Jen said...

I am so sorry. This is probably going to be the most difficult time of your life and its so important to have a support system around you right now, and it sounds like you have some great friends to help you through this. I pray for peace for your Mom and love all around her during this journey. Thinking of you. Hugs.

Jess said...

I'm really very very sorry. I'm glad your friends are supporting you. I'll say a prayer for everyone, especially your mom.

nancy said...

Oh Tigger, I'm so sorry. This is just such a hard thing to go through. We just went through this same thing with my husband's grandmother. And the fact her children got to be with her, even though it was really scary, made it all the better in the end. You'll be happy you were able to recognize what was going on and make peace with it.

~hugs~

Reggia said...

"I verified to mom that we were all coming and she said "I'll try to die this weekend so it really will be a family emergency."

I...she....we...."

How very diffcult and, how like a mom to seriously consider how to work something like this in to the convenience of her family's schedule. So very glad you were able to have this visit with her, and may this memory and others that show her loving concern go beyond its bittersweetness and be a source of strength for you.