Thursday, October 27, 2011

That time of year

We're coming up on that time of year again. Just over a week until the dreaded anniversary comes around for another year. Anniversary? Deathiversary? Is there really a word for marking these? There should be.

I was messaging with someone from my past today and realized that I couldn't remember all the dates from when mom was diagnosed with the different cancers. I actually had to come look it up - and even now, I'm not certain I wrote it down correctly. I wonder if the feeling that I feel upon realizing that is the same one that people feel when they realize that they can no longer remember a loved one's face clearly, or remember the sound of their voice.

I'm lucky in that, I suppose - I sound and look so much like mom, and the resemblance just grows stronger with each passing year. I put on a winter hat that she wore when she was doing chemo, with my hair pulled back, and got a jolt when I saw myself in the car window. I don't always notice it from day to day but...yeah, it catches me off guard sometimes.

I was watching my son with my MIL earlier today and thought about how sad it was that he will never get to know my mother. Well...perhaps when he dies, and hopefully gets to join her, but SO not the point. He will grow up without my mothers presence in his life, except what I can show through. It' feels incomplete.

Monday, September 5, 2011


This years Facebook meme for breast cancer awareness (ha!) has created a firestorm. I'm not sure if the ones other years have, but this one certainly has. As I was perusing blog posts, I was directed to a post written about the bra-color one. It is written by a woman who had a double mastectomy in order to save her life. I dare you to write this and not feel stunned to your core.

In the name of awareness

I am not stunned that she wrote it. I am stunned by her strength. I am stunned at the way society can hurt when it tries to help, because (as a general whole) it doesn't think things through. I am not able to put into words how profoundly her post has touched me. I wish mom were still here, just so I could share this with her, let her know that there are other women out there who understand some of what she went through.

And when you are done reading that, if you feel it needful to do something, ACT. She has a link to a post on turning awareness into action at the bottom of the one already linked. I have read over and over the past two days the same thought: Aren't we aware enough already? Isn't the time past for awareness, and the time for action NOW? I know that I can't afford to donate right now, and my own medical status is such that doing something like a walk is out of the question - although I would love to be able to do the "Walk to Remember" or "Relay for Life" in mom's honor some year. I can blog, though, and I can educate others about what I know.

I am 95% certain that I will get breast cancer some day. My mom had it, her mother died of it (it metastasized to her brain 6 weeks after dx and killed her), and mom was pretty sure that her grandmother also had it. My sister and I are both on the watch for it, because we know it's coming. Educate yourself. Educate those around you. Speak up for those who can't. Be an advocate. Do what you can. And hopefully build yourself a supportive network of people that you will hopefully never have to use.

And how appropriate that I read this exactly 7 years from the day that mom was diagnosed with the ovarian cancer that would take her life 26 months later. This is hell week for me - almost every year for 4 years in a row, mom was diagnosed with cancer.

Friday, September 2, 2011


Heard this tonight and was reminded very strongly of mom. She was a rather religious woman and while I may no longer accept everything I was taught, there is no question about the strength of her faith. Even in her last days she relied on her faith. I never heard her rail or curse at God for "giving" her cancer, for taking her from her family before we were all ready, or the ever present "why me, Lord?" that you often hear. I'm not saying that she didn't, only that if she did, she did it privately. I hold onto HER strength in her faith as a comfort. I can't say what happens when you die, who has the right or wrong of things, who is on the "right" side, and I won't be able to until I die my own self and then my answers don't do y'all any good. :) Anyways, I wanted to put this video up so I don't lose it, so I can come back and remind myself. And I know I embedded the Shrek version - it was the best one I could find AND the one that showed up on Pandora...which is where I heard it today.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Some days...

Some days I miss mom more than I do other days. I've missed her a LOT since getting pregnant, and even more so now that the Boy is born. I often wish I could call her and talk to her about my concerns, hear about things she did with me when I was this age. Dad tries, but...he has a habit of looking at things through rose colored glasses. Things have changed, too - you don't do things with your kid now that you did 34 years ago. Yes, I survived, as did all of my friends, and thus theoretically it should be the same now. But it's not - there are things that are better now, some that are worse, medical advances have been made, research has been done. I obviously began eating solid foods at some point, but I'm having a hard time getting my son to take things that mom tried to get me to eat solids would be helpful. All dad can say is "we fed you this, and you ate it" type of things.

Oh mom...why did you have to go? Why couldn't you have stayed here with me to help me with this, be a living part of your grandson's life?