Friday, May 8, 2009

Happy Birthday, Mom...

My mother would have been 62 years old today. Instead...well...yeah. I miss my mother tremendously. I didn't think her birthday would be this hard.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Six months

Tomorrow marks six months since Mom died.

Six months.

That seems like it should be such a long time. It's half a year. The distance between my birthday and Christmas. The beginning of third trimester for a pregnancy. A little longer than a semester. The grace period on student loans.

It seems like it should be a long time...but it's really not. I'm still at the "it seems like there should be a hole, a big hole, she's only been gone for six months...but she's been 'gone' longer than the time since she died so I guess I've gotten used to it but I'm mad that I'm 'used' to it" stage.

Dad is being stubborn, as usual. Broke two of his toes at work and won't go see a doc about it. Why? Because having them taped would make it more difficult for him to bowl in the state tournament this past weekend, and harder to walk in general. I know mom would have made him go, but I have no way to do that. I feel like I should take her place, and take care of him, but I don't have that power. I'm not capable. And when he whines about having to "do the laundry, and the dishes, and make my lunch, and keep up on the lawn, and weed the garden, and I hardly have time to watch TV", all I want to do is say "welcome to being an adult, sucks, especially when you're single, but it's the way it is." Mom took care of him for 33 years...I wonder how she managed? It's like payback - for all the time that he didn't help her while they were married, now he has to do it all himself...just like she did. I have a very distinct lack of sympathy. I feel like such a bad daughter.

Dad is also planning on coming up here on Mother's Day to put flowers on her grave. I know I'm going to be expected to go with him. I don't want to. Every time I go to the cemetery, I have nightmares that consist of death, chaos, decay, mayhem and chaos for 2-3 days after. I guess I'm still processing. I'm glad he's coming up here to do it, though. Mother's Day is going to be a double whammy for me this year - even though the whole "never going to be a mom" is getting better, it's still a reminder that makes me terribly hostile. But now "never going to be a mom and never going to have my mom again" is even worse, I think. Sunday remains to be seen.