Thursday, February 19, 2009

One Year

I apologize in advance to those who are reading who have angels - this post is quite likely to piss you off. If you read it, please do so with my headspace in mind. My anger is not directed at you in the slightest.

One year ago, I made this post . It was my first one here, and I'm not sure what to make of that. I plan on re-reading my entire blog today, but I'm pretty sure it's going to leave me sobbing. Just reading the first post made my eyes well up.

One year, and so much has changed...and yet, most days, it doesn't feel like anything has changed.

One year, and the anger has finally arrived. I almost yelled at my father on Valentine's Day, when he came up to put flowers on mom's grave site. He picked them out and on the way out of the store he said "She'll like these". I almost responded with "Really? Do you really think she will? Do you think she has nothing better to do with her time than sit around on a fluffy white cloud and stare at her fucking grave, pining over flowers? Do you really think she gives a flying fuck what we do down here? She's DEAD! I'm pretty sure she doesn't care. Do you HONESTLY believe she cares??" I actually said this to Aaron, while dad was getting water. He said that yes, dad does actually believe this. And I thought "how sad"...and that made me realize just how angry I'm getting. If it makes him happy, if it makes it easier for him, what do I care? If it eases his pain to think she's right there beside him at the grave, so what? I know I'm just angry, because I can't believe that. I know she's in Heaven, but beyond that I know nothing and knowledge makes me happy. I'm too logical, too practical, to accept that she's on a cloud looking down at us. I don't believe in the wings and harps theory. I can't.

One year ago, I knew my mother would be dead before the end of the year. Yet...nothing in my dreams could have prepared me for the end. It was both better and worse than I could have imagined.

One year, and I've only written 20 posts. I suck. Thanks for sticking around for the last year, through all the sporadic ranting, raving, and hysterics.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Two Months

I can't believe it's been two months since I've written. So much has happened, and yet nothing has been accomplished. I normally hate bulleted lists, but it's how I'm thinking lately. Also? There's a video at the end that I think expresses a lot for a lot of people.

* In mid-December, my SIL and her fiance moved back in with us. Yes, I'm nuts. For those of you who read my other blog, you know that we just got all family out of the house in May. Now...we have people living with us again. At least it's not MIL and FIL. SIL I can handle, most of the time. There's been a lot of drama lately, and she's got some decisions to make, but we're all ok. At any rate, they moved in with us because things went sour very fast with the person they WERE living with and she kicked them out because she's a royal bitch. Not having any other options, really, they asked to move in with us. We don't turn family and friends away, so we rearranged the house again and in the moved. It's good, though, because...

* even though I graduated in December, I still haven't found a job. Two months of searching, almost, and not even a blip on the screen. I've applied for tons of jobs. I'm qualified for everything I'm applying for. Not even an interview. Things are not going well on the financial front. Having $50 in the bank account and $300 in bills that are due is not the correct proportions. :(

* I miss my mother terribly these days. With all the drama going on, I need her. I need to talk to her. I need her advice. I'm not ready to take up her mantle and help others by myself. I'm in over my head and I'm floundering. How dare she abandon me when I need her? I demand that she be available to help me.

* My father is also driving me batty - I can't deal with him. I've taken to avoiding his calls. He's finally stopped calling me 3x a day, but he still talks to me about stuff I don't care about. I really, really don't. I find it hard to care when he tells me about his Avon for the 18th freaking time. I don't care how much he made this campaign, how "on track" he is for President's Club when he's not even eligible for it because he started halfway through the year, or how he doesn't have time to deliver it. He knew that he was going to responsible for doing everything his own self (laundry, food, errands) while working full-time. He's the one dumb enough to think he could keep up with the Avon on top of it. I have a hard time working up sympathy when all I want to do is say "Uh, dad? Welcome to the world of being a single fucking adult. I'm sorry that you worked the entire time mom was alive and didn't learn how to take care of yourself, but mom did it all and worked at the same time so SHUT UP AND GROW UP. If she could work, run the household, and take care of you, then you can certainly take care of yourself and run your household and work. Just like mom."

* My meds aren't working as well as they should be these days - probably because I've been on them for 8 months and it's time to switch, but I don't want to go to the doc. Back to the whole "$50 in the bank, $300 in bills to pay" problem. I don't want to pay a co-pay, or for my drugs, or anything. I don't want to go find a new doc because I've graduated and can't go to the one I've been seeing for 3 years, and I"m not sure my old one is covered. I hate new docs. I have to prove myself over and over, and get them to listen when I tell them the med isn't working any longer, and NO, upping the dosage is not an option. That just makes it cost more. Also? Could someone please actually bother monitoring me while I'm on the metformin? Could I get on the proper dosage to actually make a difference? 500mg doesn't do much. I'm in no rush to have fire butt, but I'd like to be able to eat cheesecake without getting sick. Possibly actually ovulating would be nice too, but since I no longer really care about getting pregnant, oh well.

* I need to write more. I find myself writing posts while I'm waiting to fall asleep. I never remember them in the morning, but I should probably start taking time to write again. Things are piling up in my brain and I'm going bonkers. It's been two months since I've been to a counselor (again with the graduating and not having access to my counselor, and not really wanting to start up with a new one, or being able to afford it). Perhaps if I go insane and get checked in somewhere with padded rooms it will be better. :D Blogging at least gets shit out of my head.

I leave you with this video. I heard this song for the first time on Saturday morning and it's been stuck in my head since then. It's called Angels on the Moon, and it's by Thriving Ivory. I've thought about it on a lot of levels and...well, listen and think for yourself: