Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Dad and things

This post needs to be written but it's going to take me time. I am so frustrated, angry, bitter, and a whole host of other negative emotions that I'm having a hard time expressing them. I apologize in advance if this post rambles and isn't terribly cohesive. I NEED to write this, to get it out of my head, and that means just letting it flow.

Dad called me a few weeks ago and said "You'll never guess who I ran into at the store the other day!" and no, dad, I wouldn't dare guess. You know every one in the freaking town and half the people in the next, I swear, so it would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Apparently he ran in to M, a woman that my parents have been friends with for about 25 years, give or take a few. She gave him her number - omgs! I told him he should call her, hang out. I mean, they've been friends for a LONG time, but ever since she remarried many moons ago (and is now divorced) and moved to a different town, they haven't spent much time together. Saw each other at church and whatnot, but not much beyond that. Anyhow, I jokingly told dad that maybe he should date M...and apparently he took me seriously. Except that, you know, dad doesn't he has a not-a-girlfriend again. He's spending a LOT of time with her, from what I can tell. He no longer has a dog that he has to go home and take care of, so I'd be curious to know how much time he's actually spending at home. I can't and won't ask that, though. Not my business, do not really want to know.

The 4th anniversary of mom's death is coming up in less than 2 weeks. I am feeling more upset this year than in past years and I think it has to do with this: Dad is bring M up that day to put flowers on mom's grave. Yeah. It feels tactless and insensitive and rude and...I have no words to really describe how I feel. I shake with rage and frustration just thinking about it. Yes, I know, M was mom's friend too. M says she wants to see where mom was buried and see me. She's had 4 YEARS to find out where mom was buried. My parents' phone number hasn't changed in 31 years, so it's not hard to reach dad. She could go to the church and ask some people how to get in contact with dad - someone has to know. She could have paid attention to the funeral service handout thing, whatever you call it, that said that mom was being interred at the Idaho Veteran's Cemetery, and then used their machine to find out exactly what plot and how to find it. There are lots of ways, but it's not until now that she's showing any interest. And dad? Dad just assumed that it's perfectly fine with me if he shows up on my doorstep on that day with M in tow and we can load up the baby and all merrily go out to the cemetery together. Did he ask me if it was okay with me? Did he take my feelings about mom into account, and the fact that this is a hard day for me too? Nope. He just assumed. I realize that having M there might make his grief a little easier, and that's great. Go. Have fun. But to decide that I need to go with? Not so much.

This is a day where I am raw to the core and the LAST thing I need is to have to play pleasant hostess to someone I haven't seen since I was living at home, probably, with the exception of mom's funeral. This is a day where I hide, rarely answer my phone, stay away from most parts of the internet (like my email, because there will be one from my uncle, dumping his grief on us...and now that he's on FB, I stay away from there too), sit and play video games all day until Aaron gets home and we can watch V for Vendetta. I go to the cemetery of my own volition, if I feel I can handle it. This is not a day for me to interact with other people, not yet. I am going to have to go to my classes, but that's it. None of those people know me, so it's fairly safe I think.

I just...I find it insensitive of dad not to at least ASK, but to tell me "We'll be there at 9am". Then he changed it to 10, and I had to remind him (again) that I have a kid who needs to be at daycare by noon and I have classes that day so if he wants me to go with them, they've got to be here as early as they can. I think I hurt his feelings by telling him they could go without me, so then I had to say "it's not that I don't want to go with (I don't) but I don't want my classes to be an issue" and he's all "I don't want you to miss your classes" and blah. We do not know how to interact with each other...and M wants to talk to me about dad and ask general questions? Yeah, I don't have the answers to anything, lady. His co-workers probably know him better than I do. Aaron says he understands where I am coming from but he also thinks I'm wrong - which is fine, since I asked him for an honest answer and he took the time to think about it first. I can see how he thinks I'm wrong and that's fine too. I could just scream, I am so frustrated and angry with dad. Will he ever see me as an adult with a life to take into consideration, instead of a child to be told what to do and expected to obey? No, I will not stand up to my father and say "Dad, no, I do not want you to bring M and I do not want to go to the cemetery with you because I don't know how to handle your grief". I was taught better than that.