Thursday, February 28, 2008

I'd like to order a breakdown please

and can I have a side order of "feel like a bad person" with that as well? Oh...and to drink I'd like a glass of confusion.

I had a total meltdown last night. It wasn't really a bad day, but there were several little things over the course of this week that just added up. The last straw was only getting 2 hours of work Tuesday and another 2 hours yesterday. If I'm lucky, I'll get 4 hours on Saturday for a whopping total of 8 hours for this week. It's been this way all year. The housing market sucks and a lot of what I do is related to that, so my job sucks too. I got off work and asked my husband if he had time for me to have a breakdown - lucky for him he said yes. So...I went home, laid down on the bed, and sobbed for a good 15 minutes.

Later last night mom called to see how I was. I swear we have the ESP thing going. She always seems to know when I'm having a bad day. I told her I had a meltdown but that I was ok now, and she said "just try to relax. Things always work out." This is going to sound awful, and I feel awful, but I'm really starting to get angry with her for saying that. The anger makes me want to lash out at her, say things I know I'll regret and that will hurt her...such as "well of course they'll work out Mother. They always do. Of course there's a resolution. There always is. Because see, you having cancer 'will work out'. You're going to be dead and you won't have to worry about petty bullshit anymore. You'll be up in Heaven, playing your harp, walking your streets of gold, living in your mansion while I sit down here and worry about my life. You won't have to deal with it any more in 6 months or so." I feel like such a terrible person. I know...anger at someone because they're dying is a normal reaction. That's the kicker - I'm not really angry at her because she has cancer, or because she's dying. Her saying "it will work out" is nothing new - she's always told me that. I know it's just displaced frustration. That knowledge doesn't make me feel any better.

On an up side, her brother told her about a cancer center in Goshen, Indiana that is doing clinical research trials on liver cancer. A man he knows has done the treatment - they initially gave him 6 months and he's now past that and almost cancer free. Mom is going to look into it. If she has to pay for it, she won't do it. She won't have to, though, I'm certain of it. I've participated in clinical trials for stuff before and they usually pay you. They can't take money from their participants as it provides a conflict of interest. She'd have to move to IN for the duration of the trial, and I think she said they provide a place for her to stay...but she's still investigating.

This brings up the confusion and feel bad as well. One side of me is all "YAY! Clinical trials! Cancer goes away! Mom lives! WOOTAGE!" The other side is all "Oh for the love of all that is holy. Stop making me live this rollercoaster. This is the 3rd time you've had cancer in 4 years, but the first time I've actually had to prepare for you to die. Just...get it over with. I can't handle the grieving only to have you yank it away from me, because I know I'll have to do it again. It's like the boy who cried wolf, only you're crying death." I know this is the bitter side of me, the frustrated side. By no means am I ready for my mother to die. I'd like her to stick around for another 20 years. I am torn in two separate selfish directions - go go Gemini! - that of wanting my mom around and that of not wanting to go through all this pain again.

My sister is going to go spend the weekend with mom this weekend. Should be interesting to say the least. Tuesday I think mom is coming up here - dad wants to leave his silver with me so I can sell it for him when the price gets good. I can't wait to see my mommy, but I know it's going to be rough.

It seems that Thursdays are a good day for me to post, as I have several hours between classes. So...look here on Thursday afternoons if not before. :)

2 comments:

Jess said...

Oh, Tigger. It sucks that you're having to go through this. Try to cut yourself some slack. Just feel whatever you feel and try not to overanalyze and make yourself feel worse.

I hope the thing in Goshen pans out and is the miracle you guys need.

serenity said...

It's funny. Knowing WHY you're feeling the way you do doesn't really make it better, does it? I hate how that works.

Wish there was something I could say or do to make it all go away. It just all sucks, either way.

Hugs. I'm thinking of you.

xxxx