God I am so tired of crying all the time. It seems that all I do anymore. Completely at random. In public, even, which is one of the worst things. I really really hate crying in public. (I hate using public bathrooms too, but that's a whole other story for another blog.) I feel like people are looking at me, wondering why I'm crying and if they should come find out. I know it makes them feel awkward and I don't exactly feel pretty sitting there with tears running down my face either.
I am seeing a counselor for all this. At the very beginning of the semester I went and talked to all of my professors. I told them what was happening, because even before knowing where her cancer was I had the feeling that she might not last the semester. I wanted them to be prepared so that when I came to them and told them I wouldn't be in class for a week or so they'd know why, and I wouldn't have this all come at them out of the blue. My biology professor, whom I love dearly and have had for three semesters in a row, asked me if I was seeing a counselor yet. I told her no, and she told me I should and who to go to. So...I did. I promptly forgot my first appointment and overslept my second. GOOD JOB ME! But I've gone every week for the past 3 weeks and cried in his office for the past 2.
I feel unstable. One minute I'm fine, actually giggling, and the next I'm sobbing at random. No real reason, no thoughts...just a sudden welling of sad that comes crashing down. Like when I'm still awake at 1:30 in the morning instead of sleeping, because the Ambien didn't work like it should. While I'm laying there trying to sleep, my brain refuses to shut down and it just keeps processing quietly until I start sobbing and wake my poor husband up. I start the day off fine, and then talk to mom and end up crying. My poor mother...having to deal with me on top of her own shit. She says it's ok - do I really think she doesn't know how I feel?
Oh God...I'm going to lose my best friend, the only one who has ALWAYS been there for me, the one who saw me through my teenage years, who prayed for me constantly through my self-destructive years after I split up with my first love/got engaged to someone else/broke up with him/got engaged and then married/got divorced and almost married 2 years later/to a guy who left me 2 months before the wedding. Until my husband came along and put an end to the vicious cycle. She still prays for me every day, but at least I'm no longer self-destructing.
My insides are wailing like a banshee from time to time. I want to scream, howl, beat things. I'm teetering on the edge of darkness, I can see it coming. I've been here. I don't want to go here again. My brain easily sees the bad in everything, sees bad when there's no bad to be seen. Living in my brain is a scary, scary place these days and I remember this all too well. It's part of the reason I ended up getting divorced the first time (the other half being that he found someone else he loved). My husband has been really cranky lately and last night he explained to me why. It's hard for him to watch me go through all of this. He wants to fix it and he can't. He can't any of the shit i'm going through away; he can't handle any of it for me; he can't do anything and it makes him feel helpless. Typical male fashion, when he feels helpless he gets cranky...even though he KNOWS that's the last thing I need on my plate. I need him to support me, I need to lean on him...not want to run far away because he's one more thing I can't handle and it makes me want to shriek.
Thank you to those who have already found me. Thank you to those who have left messages, even if you weren't sure what to say. Just knowing that you're out there helps a bit. The comments make me smile and give me a warm fuzzy. I'm going to go call mom now.