A Reminder

Heard this, reminded me of mom since it's about loss...



Also, here is a pic from Mothers Day. I really like how it turned out.

Milestones

Two minutes ago marked exactly a year and a half since my mother died. The 8th would have been her 62rd birthday. The 9th is Mother's Day...which has been hard for the past 5 years for infertility reasons, but now it's even worse.

At some point I will stop counting life (death?) in 6 month increments, right? I'll stop realizing when her birthday would have been, or how close it always is to Mother's Day? I will move on with my life, and these milestones won't exist unless I think about them...right? Please tell me it gets better...

And? My father decided that today would be a good day to come visit me. I have no idea why. I hope he doesn't think we're going to the cemetery - I'm already doing that on Sunday on the way to my MIL's for our monthly dinner. Two moms, one drive!

Dads Surgery

Well, dad just called me a little bit ago. He had his "surgery". He had 3 things removed from his back and side - two moles and a fatty cyst. They are sending both moles off for biopsy, since they were REALLY black. He had six stitches on his side (that's where the fatty cyst was, and it was pressing on his kidney!), four on one cut, three on another. Poor dad - this is the first time he's ever had stitches and he's 63 years old! Doc said he's been very lucky.

So...now we still wait for the biopsy results. *fingers crossed*

Not again...

My dad called me a little while ago, sounding a bit down. Turns out he had an appt at the doc today because his back has been really itchy. He has a rash on his entire back - and they have no idea what from. Not shingles, not allergies to anything...nothing. Then the doc said "have you seen these two moles on your back?" Dad was like "um, I can't see my back, so no." They're black, two of them - and the doc wants to remove and biopsy them. AND he has what appears to be a fatty cyst on his side, just above his right kidney. So the doc wants to remove THAT and biopsy it as well, just to make sure it's a fatty cyst and not something else. I know they're being precautionary. I know this is "Standard Operating Procedure". But...

Please, for the love of all that is holy and good in this world, please do not make me get back on the cancer train. I can't take it. It's only been a year and not quite a half since my mother died. I know my father and I don't get along as well as we should, but I simply can NOT deal with this again. Especially since I really really won't be able to get my sister to help me at all - it's not HER father. I am not working anymore (quit a little over a month ago) so I can go down there and spend a lot of time...but I can't afford trips like I took before, every weekend. And my dad and I? spending that much time together? Not good.

I don't know when they're going to do the removals. Dad has to talk to his work, get them to give him 3 days off in a row so he has time to recoup. I'm thinking a few weeks, since his work does the schedule 2 weeks in advance. I'll post more when I know more.

And so it starts again...

I got a call from my dad last week. My sister had her annual mammogram and an ultrasound of her only remaining ovary ( I don't know why the latter was done). They found a lump in her breast and a cyst on the ovary.

Fuck.

The tech told her to just wait 6 months and get tested again. In an uncharacteristic move, my sister actually disobeyed and went to her regular doc. Given family history (which her doc knows all about), the doc has decided to give it a few weeks and do the tests again. So...the Monday after Christmas, my sister is having another mammy and u/s. If the cyst is growing, they're just going to remove the ovary completely. My sister said she's not willing to risk a single cell remaining and have it come back like it did with mom. Of course, they did a total hysterectomy on mom too...but I won't point that out. I don't know what they're going to do about the lump - I guess it depends on size. If it's small enough, perhaps they can just remove it and biopsy it like the did with mom's.

I...can't go through this again so soon. Or ever. But really - it's barely been 13 months since mom died. I simply cannot deal with the fact that my sister might have cancer. And what if she DOES? What if it becomes not a "might have" but a "does have"? I can't go down there like I did with mom - my sister lives 8 hours away. Then there's the whole "I'm not exactly THAT close to my sister" factor. We're sisters, but we're not best friends. We've spoken...4 times? since mom died. Maybe. That's being generous. We just don't talk that much. We're 10 years apart, we didn't grow up together - I was 8 when she got married. We got closer when I moved out on my own, but still - we're not close. She didn't even bother to tell me any of this - I had to hear it from my father. And when I asked how she was holding up? She just told me about the appointment. I don't understand her in the least. She also has more than just her husband to take care of her - she has two sons, at least one of which will help out. The youngest...he's taking the route of my brother, so I don't count on him. But still. I just can't do this. I can't fathom the possibility of losing another family member to cancer. I...

Can't. Won't. Don't want to. The idea makes me want to go into a full-blown panic. I want to run screaming. I want to cry. I want to throw things. And this is all before I even have any answers.

If I Could

Meant to post this Thursday. Didn't. Woke up with it in my head today. Took that as a sign. Here you go.



A brand new baby was born yesterday,
Just in time
Papa cried, baby cried
Said, your tears are like mine
I heard some words
from a friend on the phone,
didn't sound so good
The doctor gave him two weeks to live
I'd give him more if I could

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

Down the middle drops one more
grain of sand
They say that
new life makes losing life easier to understand
Words are kind
they help ease the mind
I miss my old friend
And though you gotta go
we'll keep a piece of your soul
One goes out
One comes in

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

("If I Could" - Jack Johnson)

The first year

Tomorrow marks a year. A year already? Only a year? Either way...

I've made it a year - a year without her. Without my best friend. My mother. My sounding board. My comforter. The one person in the whole world who understood me the best. Who understood what I was trying to say when I couldn't find the right words even remotely. Who knew the right words to say to bring me out of the spiraling black holes that I used to find myself in, and that I may yet find myself in again some day.

I am not going to work tomorrow. I am staying home. Or maybe I'm going out. My wonderful husband took the day off - to "support me as I go to the cemetery and put down flowers, and then have however many breakdowns as I want during the entire day" as he puts it. His friend Timm told him he was a wonderful man - I happen to agree. We haven't decided what we're doing beyond going to the cemetery. I do know that I'm leaving my phone home, and turning it off. I probably won't check my Facebook, or my emails - they'll have to be dealt with on Friday or over the weekend. I'm in hiding. I can barely handle my own grief, let alone anyone elses.

I've already warned my dad, and my uncle already sideswiped me on Monday with an email that said (and I quote) "I was sitting here at my computer missing Linda as the first anniversary of her death approaches and I figured she also must be on your minds. May God be with us all as our journey continues without the one we loved and the one who loved us in her own special way. Hope and pray you are doing okay and doing the grief work that needs to be done. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep me in yours." It really was my initial reaction to email him back and say "Really? It's her one year anniversary is here already? huh - forgot all about it. She's completely slipped my mind - I never think about her. Idiot." To my credit, I did no such thing - I just deleted it and told my father to do the same.

Today I woke up with the familiar depression - deep enough I didn't want to get out of bed. I am not excited to see what tomorrow holds.

Grief and Grieving

I realized yesterday that one month from today my mother will have been dead for a year. For the most part I've been ok for the past year - there have been a few episodes of total and complete breakdown, complete with me wailing "I miss my mommy". Thankfully I have a very supporting and understanding husband. He hasn't been through this, but he's really good at just holding me and letting me wail and trying to comfort me.

On other fronts involving my mothers death it has not been so easy. My father used to call me 3-4 times a day, just to chat. Bear in mind that my father and I are not...close. There is love, yes, but we are so alike personality-wise that we always butt heads...even when on the same side. My mother tried her hardest to get us to bond before she died and she more-or-less succeeded...but not enough for me to be able to tolerate being called all the time and having to deal with his grief on top of my own. Not that he's EVER directly talked about it - it's more the fact that he called me so much, to talk about things like his finances, how hard it was to have to take care of himself, etc. Of course, my internal response was "welcome to being an adult, dad" and my external response was just noise about it sucking. My siblings don't call, thankfully - we've never really been close and mom being gone didn't change that. I talk to my sister every 6-8 months or so, and go YEARS between speaking to my brother. My uncle (mom's last remaining brother) and I have never really been close, although he seems to think we are. I think he's a religious con man, although I've never said as much. I'm too damn polite for my own good.

At any rate, I can feel the grief creeping up on me. I have felt this way before, a sense of unspecific dread, around things like my first wedding anniversary, my ex's birthday, things like that. Usually only for the first few years, and it always took me a few days to figure out why I was acting like I was...and once I figured it out, it was ok. This time I know a full month ahead of time that it's coming up. I have a feeling this is going to mean a month of bad dreams - I really should say horrendous nightmares. They're full of death, chaos, murder, blood, violence. I get them every time I go to the cemetery to put flowers down for mom, which is why I don't do if often. Last night I had dreams of suicide. I also have a feeling that my father is going to start calling me all the time again - he's already calling me every day again, twice on Saturday...not for anything important, but to talk about the weather. I...I can't handle their grief. I can't handle his on top of mine, or my sister calling, or my uncle messaging me. I have always been the one EVERYONE turns to, and I want to wall myself off. Please...don't talk to me. Don't pile your grief on top of my own. Mine is crushing me as it is - I feel like my insides are one big rock. But I can't TELL them that - I'm their rock. I'm the first one dad will turn to, instead of friends. I'm the one my uncle is going to write, telling me how much he misses my mother, his sister, and how he's praying for all of us in our time of grief.

Prayer. What a joke. Do I believe in God? Yes. Do I believe most of the things I was taught when I was younger? Yes. Not blindly, but because I've thought about them. What I have a hard time reconciling is that my mother was a devout Christian - she prayed, others prayed for her, all asking God's will to be done. God's will was apparently to take my mother away from me. I am so angry I could spit nails. God's blessings on my mother? She suffered with cancer for 14 months the last time before she died. That's a blessing? I have such a hard time with religious types right now, but I'm too polite to tell them to fuck off and stop wishing "God's will" and "God's blessings" for people who are ill. It kills them. This goes for people on Facebook - I have several friends who are either religious or who have recently discovered religion and all their posts contain it and I just want to scream. I don't want to block them - what's the point in being friends with someone you've blocked? I don't really have the right to tell them to stop either, because it's a public place.

How do I deal with this shit? I can't just tell my family that I don't want to talk to them - that's selfish. REALLY selfish. God is my uncles world - he's a minister. I can't tell him not to talk to me about God - he'll just tell me every day that he's praying for me, which will get really fucking annoying. Husband says the best way to deal with anger is to just let it go - but I don't know how. I can accept the fact that my mother is dead and that nothing I do will bring her back - that has never been my problem. My issue has always been "why" - I don't "heart" understand it and it's making it difficult for me to move past this. I am angry, I want to hide...and I can't.

Oh for fuck's sake...

My father has joined an internet dating site.

He wants my advice on what to put in the "who I am, what I'm looking for" fields.

I'm not ready for this stage.

The Dating Game

My father is trying to date.

I'm not quite sure what I think about that.

Mom and I, as well as my sister and mom's two best friends, all talked about this while mom was still alive. She wanted to make sure we knew that she was ok with dad dating, and getting remarried. My sister and I both figured he'd be remarried within 6 months of mom being gone, simply because he is NOT cut out to be on his own. He's still bitching about having to take care of the lawn and garden, as well as take care of himself, pay the bills, and not having any social life.

He quit his job that he's had for years and years because he got tired of the way the company was run - didn't give his two weeks, just 10 minutes. He already had a job lined up at Wal-Mart. He's been there about 7 weeks - he started there the same day I started my job. Today he calls me and tells me he's looking at maybe quitting there and getting a part time job elsewhere. Why? Because he "doesn't have time to do anything." He doesn't get to have a "social life" because he doesn't always have Wednesdays off to go bowling, or Fridays/Saturdays for bingo, and can't always go to church on Sunday because sometimes he has to work in the mornings. But the Dept Manager ALWAYS has Sat/Sun off. I told him "welcome to being a grunt in retail. Your schedule is never set, you work when they want you to." He doesn't get it, he really doesn't. It doesn't matter where he goes, he will be a grunt who doesn't really get much say in when they schedule him to work. He's too used to a M-F, 8-5 job like he's had for 15 years. He actually told me that if all else fails, he could go back to his old job because they'd take him in a heartbeat. With 10 minutes notice? I doubt it. Dad thinks he's just indispensable and everyone will do anything he wants.

I never figured my father for a stupid man, but damn...he has no idea how the real world works, I guess. Things aren't like they were in the "old days". You don't work for a company for life and get a gold watch when you retire - you get a cake, a clap on the back, severance pay. This company was damn good to dad while mom was so sick - they paid his insurance so he wouldn't lose it, even while he wasn't working. He took months off at a time to spend with mom while she was going up and down, and we'd think the end was near, and then she'd recover. How does he repay that? Gives them 10 minutes notice. I know that loyalty to a company isn't exactly a thing of the present, but still...

Anyways, back to the dating. I'm more or less okay with it, but it's still weird. Especially when he asks me for dating advice. You see, dad doesn't seem to realize that I never really dated. John (a guy I met in college) and I moved in together when I left school the first time. My ex-husband and I moved in together shortly after getting together. My ex-fiance and I lived together for about 20 of the 22 months we were together. DH and I have lived together since the day we met 6 1/2 years ago. No dating there, see? I have no idea. Not to mention I'm a girl and we do things differently AND I'm 30 years younger than dad. The girl he was dating? I use the term girl for a reason - she's 45, which is only 3 years older than my sister. I also say "was" because she hasn't contacted dad in a week. He keeps saying he's leaving it in her court, but then he sends her text messages. He doesn't know how NOT to be in control, even when he wants to be. They went on two dates...and he brought her a dozen roses on each. I'd have run screaming, if I were her. While romantic, it's WAY too strong. But I can't explain that to him, because that's what they did when he was dating, before he married mom. I don't seem to be able to get it through to him that it's different now; that even the definition of dating is different.

So yeah, mostly okay with it but frustrated. I have no advice to give, because he won't listen even when I DO give it. The idea of my FATHER dating is a little weird, even though I know mom was okay with it. Knowing that, and still having to deal with it...a little weird. At least I'm not alone - my best friends' parents got a divorce and her mom is trying to date again. So I have someone to talk to, at least, about how weird it is. Probably a little weirder for her, since her father is still alive...I at least only have one parent to deal with.