Two years...

Has it really been 2 years already since Mom has been gone? Yes, it has. Most of the time it's easier, but the few weeks leading up to this date are always hard. It's been really hard the past few months since I got pregnant because I need my mother more than ever and she's not here. There has been much wailing of "I want my mommy!" and my poor husband can't help, and my father is no substitute.

Today's agenda includes work, a coerced visit to the graveyard to leave flowers, and then watching V for Vendetta. Why? "Remember remember the 5th of November" of course. I think it appropriate and have decided that it should be a tradition.

A call for help

I know this is usually my cancer blog, but...I am derailing it for just a few minutes.
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Gwendomama is a fellow IF blogger that I have been reading for about a year now. At that time, I came across her situation from the LFCA - her husband physically abused her in front of her kids. She took them and ran. It happened on April 13th, but she didn't tell us the full story until May 19th.

Since that time, she has fought with the legal system and with him. She had a stay-away order, which he got around by living on the other house on the property, which was only 20 yards away. He refuses to pay any of the bills, or move, or move his stuff, or pay child support. Still. Still, after a year and some, he will not pay anything towards his children. Yes, they are now farther from him - about 40 miles. He also still believes that his actions were perfectly fine - nothing out of the norm.

I could continue with link after link after link detailing what this man has put Gwendo and her kids through. But I won't. Because I'm hoping you'll go over to her blog and read her story. And then? I hope you'll help her out if you can. I can't, not financially, not yet...but I can do this much for her. I can use my blog to hopefully reach other people, who might be able to help her. The internets banded together and solved a few problems, but...there's more. There's a lot more. Until her ex-jackass starts paying child support and stops having his head up her ass, she's a single mom who needs help. So please...if you can...she has a paypal button up on her page, and is working on getting a PO box for those who want to send her goodie boxes.

My time is coming to be able to pay it forward. If you've ever had someone help you, and you're in a position to do so, now is a good time for you to pay it forward as well.

Memorial Day

I don't have a lot going on right now, but I thought I would upload the pics we took on Memorial Day.

The headstone and I:

The flag and flowers:

The single rose that Aaron plucked out for me:

A Reminder

Heard this, reminded me of mom since it's about loss...



Also, here is a pic from Mothers Day. I really like how it turned out.

Milestones

Two minutes ago marked exactly a year and a half since my mother died. The 8th would have been her 62rd birthday. The 9th is Mother's Day...which has been hard for the past 5 years for infertility reasons, but now it's even worse.

At some point I will stop counting life (death?) in 6 month increments, right? I'll stop realizing when her birthday would have been, or how close it always is to Mother's Day? I will move on with my life, and these milestones won't exist unless I think about them...right? Please tell me it gets better...

And? My father decided that today would be a good day to come visit me. I have no idea why. I hope he doesn't think we're going to the cemetery - I'm already doing that on Sunday on the way to my MIL's for our monthly dinner. Two moms, one drive!

Dads Surgery

Well, dad just called me a little bit ago. He had his "surgery". He had 3 things removed from his back and side - two moles and a fatty cyst. They are sending both moles off for biopsy, since they were REALLY black. He had six stitches on his side (that's where the fatty cyst was, and it was pressing on his kidney!), four on one cut, three on another. Poor dad - this is the first time he's ever had stitches and he's 63 years old! Doc said he's been very lucky.

So...now we still wait for the biopsy results. *fingers crossed*

Not again...

My dad called me a little while ago, sounding a bit down. Turns out he had an appt at the doc today because his back has been really itchy. He has a rash on his entire back - and they have no idea what from. Not shingles, not allergies to anything...nothing. Then the doc said "have you seen these two moles on your back?" Dad was like "um, I can't see my back, so no." They're black, two of them - and the doc wants to remove and biopsy them. AND he has what appears to be a fatty cyst on his side, just above his right kidney. So the doc wants to remove THAT and biopsy it as well, just to make sure it's a fatty cyst and not something else. I know they're being precautionary. I know this is "Standard Operating Procedure". But...

Please, for the love of all that is holy and good in this world, please do not make me get back on the cancer train. I can't take it. It's only been a year and not quite a half since my mother died. I know my father and I don't get along as well as we should, but I simply can NOT deal with this again. Especially since I really really won't be able to get my sister to help me at all - it's not HER father. I am not working anymore (quit a little over a month ago) so I can go down there and spend a lot of time...but I can't afford trips like I took before, every weekend. And my dad and I? spending that much time together? Not good.

I don't know when they're going to do the removals. Dad has to talk to his work, get them to give him 3 days off in a row so he has time to recoup. I'm thinking a few weeks, since his work does the schedule 2 weeks in advance. I'll post more when I know more.

And so it starts again...

I got a call from my dad last week. My sister had her annual mammogram and an ultrasound of her only remaining ovary ( I don't know why the latter was done). They found a lump in her breast and a cyst on the ovary.

Fuck.

The tech told her to just wait 6 months and get tested again. In an uncharacteristic move, my sister actually disobeyed and went to her regular doc. Given family history (which her doc knows all about), the doc has decided to give it a few weeks and do the tests again. So...the Monday after Christmas, my sister is having another mammy and u/s. If the cyst is growing, they're just going to remove the ovary completely. My sister said she's not willing to risk a single cell remaining and have it come back like it did with mom. Of course, they did a total hysterectomy on mom too...but I won't point that out. I don't know what they're going to do about the lump - I guess it depends on size. If it's small enough, perhaps they can just remove it and biopsy it like the did with mom's.

I...can't go through this again so soon. Or ever. But really - it's barely been 13 months since mom died. I simply cannot deal with the fact that my sister might have cancer. And what if she DOES? What if it becomes not a "might have" but a "does have"? I can't go down there like I did with mom - my sister lives 8 hours away. Then there's the whole "I'm not exactly THAT close to my sister" factor. We're sisters, but we're not best friends. We've spoken...4 times? since mom died. Maybe. That's being generous. We just don't talk that much. We're 10 years apart, we didn't grow up together - I was 8 when she got married. We got closer when I moved out on my own, but still - we're not close. She didn't even bother to tell me any of this - I had to hear it from my father. And when I asked how she was holding up? She just told me about the appointment. I don't understand her in the least. She also has more than just her husband to take care of her - she has two sons, at least one of which will help out. The youngest...he's taking the route of my brother, so I don't count on him. But still. I just can't do this. I can't fathom the possibility of losing another family member to cancer. I...

Can't. Won't. Don't want to. The idea makes me want to go into a full-blown panic. I want to run screaming. I want to cry. I want to throw things. And this is all before I even have any answers.

If I Could

Meant to post this Thursday. Didn't. Woke up with it in my head today. Took that as a sign. Here you go.



A brand new baby was born yesterday,
Just in time
Papa cried, baby cried
Said, your tears are like mine
I heard some words
from a friend on the phone,
didn't sound so good
The doctor gave him two weeks to live
I'd give him more if I could

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

Down the middle drops one more
grain of sand
They say that
new life makes losing life easier to understand
Words are kind
they help ease the mind
I miss my old friend
And though you gotta go
we'll keep a piece of your soul
One goes out
One comes in

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

("If I Could" - Jack Johnson)

The first year

Tomorrow marks a year. A year already? Only a year? Either way...

I've made it a year - a year without her. Without my best friend. My mother. My sounding board. My comforter. The one person in the whole world who understood me the best. Who understood what I was trying to say when I couldn't find the right words even remotely. Who knew the right words to say to bring me out of the spiraling black holes that I used to find myself in, and that I may yet find myself in again some day.

I am not going to work tomorrow. I am staying home. Or maybe I'm going out. My wonderful husband took the day off - to "support me as I go to the cemetery and put down flowers, and then have however many breakdowns as I want during the entire day" as he puts it. His friend Timm told him he was a wonderful man - I happen to agree. We haven't decided what we're doing beyond going to the cemetery. I do know that I'm leaving my phone home, and turning it off. I probably won't check my Facebook, or my emails - they'll have to be dealt with on Friday or over the weekend. I'm in hiding. I can barely handle my own grief, let alone anyone elses.

I've already warned my dad, and my uncle already sideswiped me on Monday with an email that said (and I quote) "I was sitting here at my computer missing Linda as the first anniversary of her death approaches and I figured she also must be on your minds. May God be with us all as our journey continues without the one we loved and the one who loved us in her own special way. Hope and pray you are doing okay and doing the grief work that needs to be done. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep me in yours." It really was my initial reaction to email him back and say "Really? It's her one year anniversary is here already? huh - forgot all about it. She's completely slipped my mind - I never think about her. Idiot." To my credit, I did no such thing - I just deleted it and told my father to do the same.

Today I woke up with the familiar depression - deep enough I didn't want to get out of bed. I am not excited to see what tomorrow holds.