Crying Wolf

The trip to mom's went ok, for the most part. We got a lot accomplished, as far as clearing out my room went. My sister and I sat and listed to the hospice people be as comforting and vague as they possibly could. They did, however, give us some booklets to read - hopefully I'll be getting my own copy soon. I read them at my parents house, but I want them here, where I can access them when I need to. There was also a poem in the back of two of the books, both of which almost made me burst into tears. When I get them, I'll post them.

According to the "very flexible timeline" that the books put forth, mom has between one and three months. Dad thinks a month and a half, mom says three. Either way...before the end of the year. This information, along with a half-assed comment that mom made about me skipping a semester, made me re-evaluate school. There were a few days of intense discussion around here that culminated in me deciding to just talk to my profs before classes start - see what they think will happen if I miss a few weeks. Will I be able to keep up? Will they be willing to send me my assignments so I can try?

Today I talked to mom and that whole discussion might very well have been moot. Her kidneys are shutting down. The doc is going to try her on a new diuretic to see if they can jumpstart them, but if they can't then I don't know what they'll do. I suggested dialysis, until the rest of her body is ready to go, but mom says she can't think that far ahead. My sister is supposed to be going down in a little less than three weeks and mom said "I might be dead by then" which is what prompted the whole kidney conversation.

I am going to try and go down this weekend, since I don't have to work on Monday. I'll go when I get off work on Saturday. I just don't know how long I can keep doing that. The lead TA at our other office put in his resignation, two weeks ending on the 7th. Until school starts, I can take all his shifts so that they're covered - we're not busy enough at my office that my boss HAS to have me and they desperately need me at the other one, so off I go. Once classes start, though, they'd better have someone in place or they're going to be SOL. If mom dies, though, I'll need the time to go down there and they'll be SOL anyways. As horrible as this sounds, mom being gone in a few weeks would actually be the best timing possible...if one can truly have a "best time possible" to die.

Here's where crying wolf comes in: Husband says I should tell my boss and my regional about this latest crisis. I feel like I'm saying "Mom has six months. No wait, now it's closer to 2-3. Oh wait - her kidneys are going and it might be only a few weeks. Oh - nevermind, they solved that crisis and her kidneys are going again...we're back to the 3 month mark. Oh - another crisis has popped up...." Well, you get the idea. On the other hand, if I DON'T tell them then they have no time to prepare and are caught in the lurch. I know death isn't SUPPOSED to be plannable, but if at all possible...head up is nice. I just don't want them to roll their eyes and say "here she goes again...wonder if her mother will actually die this time."

My outside is relatively calm - I'm fidgety, and typing like a mad woman, but I'm relatively calm. The inside, however, has been reduced to a gibbering mass. I want to flee, but I have no place to flee too. I want to call everyone, but I don't really want to talk about it. I feel like I'm spinning in circles and it fucking sucks.